lisacraig

    on the 16th of december i got the fucking worst call i've ever had. my sister phoned me and asked if i was sitting down. At that point i stood up. she said she had some bad news, and i know it was only one thing. My dad was found dead the night previous in the family home. i dont think i've ever actually experianced that volume of thoughts and emotions all at once. none having particular recognition or impact before being replaced by another like a thousand t.v s fighting for my mental attention. its now January the 7th and i still don't think i've come to terms with the fact that i'll never actually see or speak to him again.
And when i try to think about it i don't know where to start.

It's like imagining something terrible has happened, and trying to realise it actually has. And i hate the fact i started a new job, which is demanding and couldn't visit as regularly as i wanted to.
I 've been out the house for 3 years. so i'd get the occasional call and invite to visit or vice versa. He called 3 times that week and asked if i'd go and see him. My wynd down for xmas was more like a wynd up and 14 hour shifts were becoming a habit. It's like he knew and didn't want to just tell me.

Its become a bit of a little revolution for me as i now intend to give time to the people in my life you actually flat out demand it.
and not pussy foot around what i have to say to them and let them know that although i'm a crabbit cunt i'll always be there to support them, when or however they need me.
Because everything else in life can wait but they can't. I thought they could but they can't. And then its gone.
"theres always tomorrow" is there? not always. sometimes with somethings but never always. Its sad its taken this for me to realise this and Dad, if i could; i'd say sorry till i wore my tongue out and my jaws disintigrated. But i can't. I can, not make the same mistake.

I've also found amazing support in people i only just know and had an awakening with those i thought i did. some of whom have been amazing. and some (who i've known forever or had relations with) to be the most unsupportive. if  was particularly affected by this i'd have severed some ties. But its also understandable for some people to not know how to approach such matters. And falling out with people doesn't change anything.

If anyone actually reads this; make sure you tell the people who mean alot to you exactly what they mean to you. No one else will. And if they did, its not as priceless as you telling them.
And if you fuck about the oppertunity is taken and never given back. Times a' wastin mate.

Things that consumed me that are ridiculous have come to light, things that mean nothing. The "scene" the "look" the "parties" the "bands". its become some what comical. but i guess we all have our distractions that may seem this way.

I can't stop watching the Garden State. its amazing. i was gutted when i went to a party in my home town and i couldn't get a pill. it was going exactly to script. i had a good time, but i didn't wake up somewhere weird, fall in love or go on a journey. but thats a story, its suppost to be condensed.
Things have started to slowly change and i hope its for the better - it certainly can't be for the worst.

I wanted to be the one who took you and mum away from all the shit. I know my brother and sister wouldn't. And i wanted you to see what i was doing to acheive this. i think you kind of knew. i cant work a shitty fucking job i have to try while i can. i can always go back if i fail. i'm sorry if it seemed like a burden because i studied for so long. But you knew you never had that choice and wanted me to have it.I'm sorry we can't get there together, but i'll make sure i take care of mum. Because to see you both happy was all i ever wanted. i love you